It was a dark and stormy night, and the morning wasn't starting out any better. Gale force winds were bending trees at the waist and driving rain kept the windshield wipers behind in their work. Tim Johnson, the famous Snake River guide, was doing all he could to keep his big Jet boat off the rocks.
"Maybe if you drove on the road," Dave said, "that might help!" Dave Lisaius, a world-renowned outdoorsman and the inspiration for some of Pat McManus's most outlandish stories, was hanging on to anything he could in the back seat of Tim's big dullie pickup!
"Don't spill my lah-tay," McManus said. "It's too hot to drink and besides I paid three dollars for it."
"I wish you people would stop complaining," Tim said, his mouth full of a Polish hot dog. "It's hard enough driving on this narrow road with one hand as it is, without having to listen to you guys complain while I'm eating breakfast. "I don't know if I can even keep my boat on the river in these weather conditions, let alone catch any fish," Tim said between bites.
"Oh, here we go," Pat said. "He's already making up excuses why we won't be catching any fish. You know it won't be a good fishing trip when your guide starts making excuses before you even get on the river."
"You just wait until the boat starts tossing us around all over the river," Tim said, "and you'll be tossing up your breakfast. That's why I told you guys to eat something cheap. Because I knew you couldn't keep it down anyway!"
Tim Johnson had been a game warden for 30 years when he realized that the big money was in guiding. After hocking everything he owned, he went out and bought a boat the size of a Greyhound bus and started the Fishhawk Guide service. Out of Clarkston, Washington. His wife, Judy, immediately went out and got a real job. Apparently, she had fished with him before.
Hells Canyon didn't get its name for nothing. Its like the Mount Everest of canyons, and the Snake River does all it can to keep that reputation alive, by smashing boats into rocks and sending many to the bottom.
Why, you ask, would anyone want to enter these waters in these stormy conditions? Because that's where the fish are, and not just any fish, but the famous seagoing rainbow, aka "The Steelhead."
"Pat, Dave," I said, "do you realize that every famous outdoor writer in the world has stood right here where we're standing, while their guide launched the boat that would take them on a trip of a lifetime?"
"Would you guys quit messing around and get in the boat?" Tim said, "The wind may actually be letting up."
"Pat's not done with his lah-tay yet," Dave said.
"It's still too hot to drink," said Pat as he crawled on the boat.
"Don't spill that thing on my boat," Tim shouted above the roar of the big jet engine as it launched us into the river.
So here we are, three friends on a fishing trip of a lifetime! Dave, the great outdoorsman, has never caught a steelhead in his life, and then there's Pat McManus, who has the reputation of never actually catching a fish! Even though he has tried on occasion to start rumors to the contrary.
Of course, there's me, Boots Reynolds. I've caught everything, from the common cold to being the first American ever to catch a Korean catfish and crabs on the same day! But the reason for our trip, and with this guide, was not necessarily to catch fish. (After all, his reputation, like Pat's, speaks for itself.) No sir, Pat and I were after stories! We needed new material to write about. Dave was along to help embellish any ideas we might come up with along the lines of fishing for steelhead.
We had no sooner got our lines in the water when Tim yelled, "Fish on!" As luck would have it, it was on Dave's pole. "Set the hook! Reel, man, reel! Keep your tip up, don't give him any slack!" (Barbless hooks you know.) "Keep your tip up!"
Advice was coming from everywhere. But Dave had everything in hand and was playing the fish nicely! Pat and I stepped back and dug out our cameras, to record this historic event. As Tim retrieved his long dip net, I nudged Pat and said, "The first time Tim went to net my first fish… You might want to write this down, as it's funny… He retched over my shoulder, like he's doing now, and knocked my fish off."
"You mean, like he just did for Dave!" Pat said.
"Now see, this is why we booked this trip," Pat said. "You can't make this stuff up."
"Fish on!" Tim said. And it's on Pat's line! Pat dropped his lah-tay.
"Get the camera. Don't lose him, don't lose him," Dave yelled.
"I won't," Pat said, reeling for all he was worth.
"I was talking to Tim!" Dave said.
"He's in the net and he's a keeper! He's the biggest steelhead of the year!" Tim said as cameras flashed.
"What will he weigh?" Pat asks.
"Over twelve," Tim said.
"Twenty?" Pat said.
"Well, not quite," Tim said. "It's more like…."
"Twenty five?" said Pat. "Thirty?"
"Fish on!" Dave yelled.
And the stories, along with the fish, grew and grew on The Snake River that day. The fish in the pictures may be closer than they appear!
Boots Reynolds is a Western cartoonist and author of the book Boots 'n' Beans. (bootsreynolds.com)
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