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November 23, 2011
Top Ten Things to Never Say at The Thanksgiving Dinner Table - 69
by Benny Spies
Three pounds of turkey, two scoops of green bean casserole, a mound of stuffing, a heaping pile of sweet potatoes with toasted marshmallows on top, plenty of mashed potatoes, a bowl of my Aunt Gail’s green jell-o salad and twenty-seven sweet pickles, followed up with two pieces of my mother’s famous pumpkin pie is pretty close to what I eat on Thanksgiving. And this is only the first round. The second helping, after a two hour nap, is usually followed up with three or four turkey sandwiches. Every year I eat so darn much that I get sick. It’s not too often that I get a good home cooked meal. It’s usually a sub-par burger from an Applebee’s along an interstate somewhere, although, I am a big fan of the Shrimp and Parmesan steak. I think it’s safe to say, in the best way possible, that I’m the black sheep of our family. (Side note, I like that song by John Anderson.) I’m always taking things a little too far, cracking the first joke and saying the wrong thing. It’s all about timing. But I do get a lot of laughs. When my grandparents laughed, I knew it was a good one! Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of year and I’m always excited to spend it with my family. When family gets together you never know what crazy things can spill out during Thanksgiving dinner. So, let me hear ‘em and have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone! Tuuuuurrrrrrrrkkkeeyyyyyyyy!!! Here’s mine: This turkey tastes like it’s been cooking in the TOASTER since 1973! Write your funniest ideas in the comments section for the chance to win an ASAP Survival Gear Pack. Last week’s Winner Congrats captjim. Funny stuff! Actually, there are some darn good ones here. I like it. Enjoy the gear Jim, and have a terrific Thanksgiving everyone! Top Ten Ways to Tell if The Fence is Hot 10.) from JM1993: Use a pair of wire cutters so that you dont have to touch the wire in the first place. 9.) from Matt Eckholm: Hands across america style....so everyone in the hunting party feels the wrath of this heart stopper. 8.) from from jh45gun: Hang a dead mouse from it and let the local critters test it for you. 7.) from trapper vic: Always carry a live cat in your game bag. They're not good for much but they sure will let you know if the fence is hot. Besides they're good for 9 trys if you can catch them after the first one! 6.) from Hurckles: just tell your kid brother to "go grab it, it won't hurt." after all, he's already forgotten taking your advice last week and wiping his rear with skunkweed. or the week before when you told him the crawfish pinchers were "just for show." 5.) from William A: If the pheasants in the back pouch of your shooting vest come out roasted, glazed and under glass, the wire's hot. 4.) from Jnelson64: If you wake up ten minutes later with a burnt taste in your mouth, boots melted, and hair smoking, its probably hot. Although a second opinion wouldn't hurts....or does it? 3.) from Wayno: Try to buy it a drink. If it declines, its probably too hot for you. 2.) from twa32: Married men discover they still have testicles! 1.) from captjim: Back the "Toaster" up until the bumper touches the fence. If a blond pop tart jumps out it's hot. |
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Comments (69)
The lions might actually win this game
Who wants chowder?
the 16 year old to her parents: speaking of stuffing, mom dad, i'm pregnant.
Umm...that wasn't the gizzard!
After dinner is done your weird uncle who cooked the meal raises his glass..."I would just like to say happy thanksgiving...Now we're all cannibals."
After spitting out your first bite..."Who cooked this kibble? It tastes like day old taco bell."
What's that smell? lol
Are those almonds on top of that pie moving? And do they have antennae??
Hey! Who ordered the Thanksgiving Strip-o-gram??
So Dad, has Mom met your new girlfriend?
Well, it's actually eagle, most people think it tastes just like turkey!
wait... i was supposed to bring dessert?
whos up for a song?
I told you Twilight Breaking Dawn would have been a better idea than letting the kids try to cook...
After dinner, I'll tell you guys what the dog was doing to the turkey after we took it out of the oven. Oh, don't worry, we rinsed it real good.
I got into a fight with my mother in law over whether or not my 14 month old daughter should be eating chocolate or not. Good times, looks like one less place we have to go for Christmas now.
So, who overcooked the turkey and dried out the stuffing this year? I'll take a beer to wash this down.
"The way the wife's been eating sure makes me glad we saved her chubby jeans!"
"Honey are you sure you want that extra piece of pumpkin pie?"
"I'm so stuffed that I think I'm going to have to un-button my pants."
"Man that turkey was good. I cant believe somebody just left it beside the road last month!"
Boy that turkey looks great! Save me the neck Clark!
Steve, you said you had a special treat for us this year by shooting a fresh wild turkey. On a side note, you need to take out your trash, the butter ball wrapper is starting to smell!
Bubba, you pea-brained imbecile, if'n you claim you didn't forget, how come there's a pile of ground pork in the icebox after I done asked you to stuff the ol' sausage into that there turkey we done et?
I'm sorry the stuffing tastes like crap, but after your father killed and plucked the turkey he was in such a big hurry to prepare the bird for cooking before the Packer game he forgot to gut the damn thing. I just shoved a bunch of dressing in there and cooked it.
Gey up from the table holding your stomach, and say "gotta go make room for seconds, I might be a while."
dad, is this the same stuffing you were putting in ant Dawn?
as your Uncle reaches for the pumpkin pie you say hey Uncle Bob hows that diabetes treating ya
poached turkey's a term for illegal hunting not another way to cook it earl!
why is it the sweet potatoes always look the same on the way out?
Why does this turkey taste like duck?
Gramps go put on some pants ur giblets are showing.
So Benny ... when are you gonna settle down and make me some grand babies?
Hurry!Lock the door,here comes Uncle Greg!
Where did you say you got that turkey,again?
Um,Dad,what's that smell?
Eat fast, this turkey expired last week!
The guy that sold me this turkey out of the trunk of his Yugo was absolutely 99% positive it wasn't on the salmonella recall list.
C'mon grandpa, would it really kill you to go put a shirt on ... ?
Those sweet potatoes remind me ... does this bump on my back look infected to y'all ... ?
Does anyone remember the number for Poison Control from last year or do I need to go write it down?
It's ringing! OK, raise your hand if you want pizza.
While your eating at the Thanksgiving dinner table, look up at everybody and say to them "Excuse me!". When they say "For what?" let that fart rip that you have been holding in. And just keep on eating, you just made room for more food!
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Eating at the in-laws) This is every bit as good as a Swanson Turkey TV dinner.
Thanks a ton Benny! I can't wait to get the survival kit.
Please pass the Tofurky.
"Hey ya'll, get some of aunt Tootsie's pea salad! I went through a box of Immodiam AD after it last year, but it was worth it!"
"Eh...this turkey is alittle dry grandma, can someone pass me the gravy?" My grandma would pick up the boiling hot gravy and throw it right into my face...and then make me clean it all up with my toothbrush the next day.
Boy, this sure is better than anything they served in prison ...
Don't eat the skin off the turkey, the dog might of pissed on it while it was hanging in the outhouse.
"Hey Grandpa, what are you thankful for?"
"Oh sonny, at my age, there isn't a whole lot to be thankful for. My body is tired and aching, I can't seem to stay awake for more than 5 minutes, and the economy sucks pretty bad, so I'm losing all my money. But the one thing I am thankful for is my "Depends" underwear. I can releieve myself right here at the kitchen table and you wouldn't even know it!"
Did y'all ever get around to fixin' that bathroom vent ...?
"Uh oh. We were the ones in charge of bringing pie this year?"
Oh BOY!! We FINALLY get to have TOFURKY!!!!
you shoulda seen the size of the possum i had to fight off'a this thing
hey watch this
honestly im not sure what it is, i just saw a bird and shot it... gravy?
Boy oh boy! Last time I buy a turkey from Hank Parker, he up charged me for everything?!? Jeeze, surcharges for propane he used in his heated hunting blind, surcharges for his 8 foot piled food plot, surcharges for his access to the barnyard where he shot it....never ends!
I know the turkey looks a little bit differnt this year. It's because I ran it over with my truck.
it's a good bird, just be mindful of the buckshot, with the economy I can't afford to pay anyones dentist bill
Enjoy it everyone, this is the bird that pecked George W in the crotch!
I was worried about dinner when I didn't have any luck with the turkey call. So I switched to the honker, and this sky carp just flew in.
Hey Ed, pull my finger.
You should have seen how stiff this turkey was when I found it.
Benny said he was bringing the turkey ... anyone want more salad while we wait?
Guess who's joining us for Thanksgiving ... Benny Spies!
Dad, Jenny's convinced me to become a vegan.
i guess nows not a great time to say ive got a horrible case of diarrhea.
Give any lead shot you find to Uncle Jim, he's a re-loader.
Post a Comment (200 characters or less)
Eat fast, this turkey expired last week!
Don't eat the skin off the turkey, the dog might of pissed on it while it was hanging in the outhouse.
Dad, Jenny's convinced me to become a vegan.
You should have seen how stiff this turkey was when I found it.
Um,Dad,what's that smell?
Gramps go put on some pants ur giblets are showing.
Where did you say you got that turkey,again?
Hurry!Lock the door,here comes Uncle Greg!
poached turkey's a term for illegal hunting not another way to cook it earl!
dad, is this the same stuffing you were putting in ant Dawn?
"The way the wife's been eating sure makes me glad we saved her chubby jeans!"
So, who overcooked the turkey and dried out the stuffing this year? I'll take a beer to wash this down.
After dinner, I'll tell you guys what the dog was doing to the turkey after we took it out of the oven. Oh, don't worry, we rinsed it real good.
Give any lead shot you find to Uncle Jim, he's a re-loader.
Hey Ed, pull my finger.
I was worried about dinner when I didn't have any luck with the turkey call. So I switched to the honker, and this sky carp just flew in.
Enjoy it everyone, this is the bird that pecked George W in the crotch!
it's a good bird, just be mindful of the buckshot, with the economy I can't afford to pay anyones dentist bill
I know the turkey looks a little bit differnt this year. It's because I ran it over with my truck.
honestly im not sure what it is, i just saw a bird and shot it... gravy?
hey watch this
you shoulda seen the size of the possum i had to fight off'a this thing
Oh BOY!! We FINALLY get to have TOFURKY!!!!
"Uh oh. We were the ones in charge of bringing pie this year?"
Did y'all ever get around to fixin' that bathroom vent ...?
"Hey Grandpa, what are you thankful for?"
"Oh sonny, at my age, there isn't a whole lot to be thankful for. My body is tired and aching, I can't seem to stay awake for more than 5 minutes, and the economy sucks pretty bad, so I'm losing all my money. But the one thing I am thankful for is my "Depends" underwear. I can releieve myself right here at the kitchen table and you wouldn't even know it!"
Boy, this sure is better than anything they served in prison ...
"Eh...this turkey is alittle dry grandma, can someone pass me the gravy?" My grandma would pick up the boiling hot gravy and throw it right into my face...and then make me clean it all up with my toothbrush the next day.
"Hey ya'll, get some of aunt Tootsie's pea salad! I went through a box of Immodiam AD after it last year, but it was worth it!"
Please pass the Tofurky.
Thanks a ton Benny! I can't wait to get the survival kit.
(Eating at the in-laws) This is every bit as good as a Swanson Turkey TV dinner.
While your eating at the Thanksgiving dinner table, look up at everybody and say to them "Excuse me!". When they say "For what?" let that fart rip that you have been holding in. And just keep on eating, you just made room for more food!
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's ringing! OK, raise your hand if you want pizza.
Does anyone remember the number for Poison Control from last year or do I need to go write it down?
Those sweet potatoes remind me ... does this bump on my back look infected to y'all ... ?
C'mon grandpa, would it really kill you to go put a shirt on ... ?
The guy that sold me this turkey out of the trunk of his Yugo was absolutely 99% positive it wasn't on the salmonella recall list.
So Benny ... when are you gonna settle down and make me some grand babies?
Why does this turkey taste like duck?
why is it the sweet potatoes always look the same on the way out?
as your Uncle reaches for the pumpkin pie you say hey Uncle Bob hows that diabetes treating ya
Gey up from the table holding your stomach, and say "gotta go make room for seconds, I might be a while."
I'm sorry the stuffing tastes like crap, but after your father killed and plucked the turkey he was in such a big hurry to prepare the bird for cooking before the Packer game he forgot to gut the damn thing. I just shoved a bunch of dressing in there and cooked it.
Bubba, you pea-brained imbecile, if'n you claim you didn't forget, how come there's a pile of ground pork in the icebox after I done asked you to stuff the ol' sausage into that there turkey we done et?
Steve, you said you had a special treat for us this year by shooting a fresh wild turkey. On a side note, you need to take out your trash, the butter ball wrapper is starting to smell!
Boy that turkey looks great! Save me the neck Clark!
"Man that turkey was good. I cant believe somebody just left it beside the road last month!"
"I'm so stuffed that I think I'm going to have to un-button my pants."
"Honey are you sure you want that extra piece of pumpkin pie?"
I got into a fight with my mother in law over whether or not my 14 month old daughter should be eating chocolate or not. Good times, looks like one less place we have to go for Christmas now.
I told you Twilight Breaking Dawn would have been a better idea than letting the kids try to cook...
whos up for a song?
wait... i was supposed to bring dessert?
Well, it's actually eagle, most people think it tastes just like turkey!
So Dad, has Mom met your new girlfriend?
Hey! Who ordered the Thanksgiving Strip-o-gram??
Are those almonds on top of that pie moving? And do they have antennae??
What's that smell? lol
After spitting out your first bite..."Who cooked this kibble? It tastes like day old taco bell."
After dinner is done your weird uncle who cooked the meal raises his glass..."I would just like to say happy thanksgiving...Now we're all cannibals."
Umm...that wasn't the gizzard!
the 16 year old to her parents: speaking of stuffing, mom dad, i'm pregnant.
The lions might actually win this game
i guess nows not a great time to say ive got a horrible case of diarrhea.
Guess who's joining us for Thanksgiving ... Benny Spies!
Benny said he was bringing the turkey ... anyone want more salad while we wait?
Boy oh boy! Last time I buy a turkey from Hank Parker, he up charged me for everything?!? Jeeze, surcharges for propane he used in his heated hunting blind, surcharges for his 8 foot piled food plot, surcharges for his access to the barnyard where he shot it....never ends!
Who wants chowder?
Post a Comment (200 characters or less)