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January 13, 2012
Top Ten Excuses Heard By Your Local Game Warden - 66
by Benny Spies
Most of our hunting seasons have closed, are closing or are still in full swing, lucky for you. By now I can pretty much guarantee that most of the wardens have heard their fair share of classic excuses. Every time I’m checked--knowing that I’m legal--as he begins checking my gun and asking questions, I still get that nervous feeling. I think to myself, “What did I forget to do?” Why do we get this feeling? It’s the same when we get pulled over by the police or when we got caught with our hand in the cookie jar. Most likely, there’s an excuse of some sort that follows. I’m sure a few of you out there have had a run in or two, or a close friend of yours has been around the block a few times, during which a plethora of jabbering excuses were blabbered out. “Ah well ah, I guess I didn’t know the plug was out of the shotgun. I borrowed it from a buddy.” Followed up by, “I swear I didn’t know.” “Just ask Steve, he’ll tell ya!” I’ve heard some good backtracking myself, and I laugh every time! So, now’s a great time to let the cat out of the bag, and tell you or your “buddy’s” classic game warden, “I didn’t do it” backtracking lines. Let’s hear ya! Here’s mine: “If Tim Tebow can do it, I can do it!” Write your funniest ideas in the comments section for the chance to win an ASAP Survival Gear Pack. Last week’s Winner Top Ten Things to Do in the Goose Pit 10.) from BubbaK: Call your buddies who are at work, tell them you haven't seen any geese, that it's cold, you're hungry, thirsty, and tired, and that you wouldn't trade one second of your time there for a full day at work! 9.) from Drew Stieben: If you smoke it, they will come! 8.) from Casey Walker: With the lack of snow and cold up in the Dakotas our routine goes like this. 6 am arrive at pit set up decoys. 6:45 brew first pot of coffee. 7 am discuss if decoys are set right. 7:05 readjust decoys. 7:10 yank coffee pot off stove because it is boiling over. Watch sun coming up until 8. 8 am watch geese leave roast and fly south of river. (opposite direction of our pit) 9 am cook breakfast. 9:45 Buddy runs 300 yards to his "tree" to do his business. (you can set your grandpa's best time piece by it). 10 am text buddies down the river to see if they have shot anything knowing the answer. Surf web on your phone tell battery dies. From 11 to 3 cuss lack of cold weather and snow for lack of geese. 4 pm pick up decoys as 3 flocks of geese circle our field right at dark. Head to the cabin have a steak and a few adult beverages and repeat the next day. We have had so much idle time this season that nobody falls for the usual gags. 7.) from Fishman24: You and your buddy each buy monster truck remote control cars and spray paint them camo. When nothings happening, turn them on and let them rip around in the field. It's fun and makes the time fly. Plus you can stop them at a moments notice just in case something really does fly by. 6.) from DSMbirddog: Count your toes and fingers as the turn white then black from frostbite. 5.) from Hotwheels: True story from Maryland’s Eastern Shore: Based on the aroma of his farts and belches, try to determine exactly what Jake (the yellow Lab) has been eating out of the garbage can. Prolonged hang time in the confines of a pit blind allows for detailed olfactory analysis. 4.) from Gerald Cook: I like to play the Blame Game: I blame my 12-year-old son for the binocs I forgot at home, the coffee thermos I forgot in my truck, and the calls I lost somewhere in-between. Repeat the process as boredom requires. He'll appreciate it some day. 3.) from bigcat: Wait for first person to fall asleep, place old motel card key and pair of thong underwear in pocket. 2.) from CrazyWalsh81: You know how on a blue bird day like that you always see birds right as or right after you pack up to leave. Pull the fake pack up and leave. Stand up stretch and say loudly, "Well time to leave no birds around here" and everyone else needs to follow suit. Empty your guns, make some noise of packing bags, send someone off to get the truck, or actually leave. Then reload sit and wait 5 minutes, Birds will appear(I swear). 40% of the time it works all the time. 1.) from grantorrin: We have a mannequin head that my sister got in hair school. The hair is all chopped up and someone drew big alien eyes on it a long time ago. When things get slow in the goose pit, I sneak it out of my pack, lay it on the ground face up and put some loose dirt over it. Then I nudge my buddy and say, "What on earth do you think that is?" He'll brush the dirt off and get a surprise he won't soon forget. Hearing grown men scream never gets old. I've found that the dummy head works really well for slow ice fishing days, too. |
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Comments (66)
It got hit by a car and i was putting it out of its misery.
warden-your poachen deer
me-no im not
wadern-then whats that buck doin on ur shoulders
me-AH!GET IT OFF!GET IT OFF!
Not a legal species? Well my Grandfather taught me to identify species with the bird in your hand.
well you see officer we're coming up with a new sport its called shotfishing you just shoot those asian carp when they jump at ya with a shotgun I thought since we was using steel shot I'd be fine
I know the limit is 12", my husband told me that's 12"!!
But officer, I read on the internet it's legal to shoot deer over corn at night with a light in June so it must be true.
I swear Mr. Warden, I wasn't runnin' away from you cause I did somthin' wrong...you see years ago my wife run off with a Warden who looked a bit like yerself...I just thought you were trying to bringer her back to me.
"The deer took my gun and shot itself, im just rushing it to the vet!"
somewhat unrelated but a true story: my uncle, aunt, and little cousin were fishing with his my uncles parents in arkansas having only a texas licence. first fish he catches just to mess with his dad he yells to my cousin "hey patrich, look at daddys illegal bass!" meanwhile his dad is yelling back "shut up, what are you doing" and the sad part... my uncle is a cop
the deer were shooting at me it was just self defence
A guy was throwing quarter sticks of dynamite into the fishing hole, the game warden pulls up and says "don't you know its illegal to dynamite fish, what have you got to say for yourself". The guy calmly lit another stick, tossed it to the game warden and said "You gonna talk or are you gonna to fish?
A guy had one pheasant too many in his truck. Tooling along eating peanuts he is stopped by the game warden. Thinking quickly he stuffed a bird down inside his bibs. The bird turned out not to be dead and as the game warden questioned him, asked "Whats that sticking out of your fly? Thinking quickly the guy said, I went to restroom forgot to zip up I must be accidentally exposing myself! Well said the game warden you just accidentally ate a peanut off the seat!
I swear Mr. Warden Sir, I didn't know it was a swan. It was flying in a flock of snow geese, and even though I knew something looked odd about the bird being 3 times the size of any of the other birds, I just thought it was a snow goose on steroids!
While driving around South Dakota with my grandpa in September he would always say “Look there, that’s not a pheasant, that’s a sooner. The sooner you shoot em the better they taste!” We always got a good laugh! So I am sure it would work on a Conservation Officer.
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon Bubba carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked Bubba, "Where did you get that turkey?"
Bubba replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
Bubba looked down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
Bubba said, "I guess I'll just kiss his azz and let him go!"
cross my heart....the second buck must have died from shock when the one next to it got hit(didn't say it wasn't a Powershock)...
I hope I don't have too many birds in there---what is the limit on robins, anyhow?
"Poaching!?! the Hell you say, I'm not poaching. I'm just an actor portraying a poacher on Discovery..."
"My grandpa is old and sick and the only thing he can eat right now is squirrel."
I swear the buck just jumped in the bed of my truck. Im just as shocked as you!
it was coming right at me!!!!
......I was just helping the sheep over the fence!
Well.....we are members of the Sierra Club....
Bass Pro Shops could have at least given a rule book and warned me when i bought my rifle and all that corn from them. Besides officer I aint much into reading books.
Brock Lesner said it was legal. Who do I make the check out too?
I was trying to spotlight the corn to see how it was much it had grown and then my gun slipped out of its case and fired which coincidentally hit a deer right between it's eyes...faulty gun cases these days!
Honest! The night vision goggles are just so I can find the trail after sunset. I would NEVER think of using them to hunt with.
Seriously? We're really not allowed to use tracer rounds?
"Am I being Punk'd?"
I'm sorry warden but I think it was suicide...he even left a note. "I can't handle the ridicule any more..I thought I was a buck but everyone keeps making fun of my small rack."
I must have forgot about daylight savings? I thought it looked a little dark....
"Game laws of the state of Alabama? You mean we ain't in South Carolina???"
Ooooooooh, I though ill-eagle was a sick bird.
no that whiskey's not for me I heard its a good deer attractant
no officer I wasn't running from you didn't you see that bear
Officer, i swear my gun accidentally went off when i was reaching for my beer.
hey, pull my finger
Lady takes husbands row boat out into a quiet bay one sunny afternoon and kicks back to read a book. A little while later the game warden shows up and pulls along side the woman and asks to see the womans license. "Why I don't have one and I'm just reading a book." the woman replys.
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ticket you because you have fishing gear in the boat and I have to believe that is your intention." says the warden.
"If you ticket me, I'll sue for sexual assault." the woman responds.
"What?" asks a bewildered game warden.
"That's right. You have all the gear in your boat and I have to believe that is your intention." counters the woman.
"Isn't this a wonderful day to float around and enjoy a good book. Have a great afternoon."
"Onistly Occifer, I ain't as think as you drunk as I am."
While dragging out a deer in the dead of night, the 1st hunting buddy says: "I'm sure glad there are 6 of us to drag out this deer we just shot."
2nd hunting buddy says:" There are only 5 of us. Me, you, Fred, Bob, and Ted."
Game warden says "I'm the 6th one. Problem is, there shouldn't be anyone dragging this deer out tonight
Are you telling me I have to buy one of those license thingys EVERY year?
A game warden pulled into a farmyard in northern MN. He found a man dressing a bear that was hanging in a tree. After a period of brief questioning of the hunter, the officer noticed three bullet holes in the bear. One in the each palm and the third right between the eyes, the officer asked the man “So, why would you shoot a bear in the front paws and between the eyes”? The hunter replied “Well, when I lit him up with the spotlight he covered his eyes and shot him”!
But Sir- This is the way Benny Spies does it.
Those empty cans of Coors light are used as signal mirrors. You know in case of an emergency.
I was spotlighting deer just for fun, but when I saw that 12 pointer limping I thought it was my moral duty to put him down.
I was checking for my plug and lost my spring... Call me ol' single shot
What the heck do I need a plug for? I can count to 3!
I couldn't find my plug so I loaded a couple empties
But officer, I'm a conservation director.
That pile of corn was for birds and squirrels only--I had to shoot the deer to keep them from eating it up.
oh no you got it all wrong, this gun is for protection, a buddy of mine got mugged by an eight point out here, same one thats in the bed of my truck, now if you'll excuse me i have to return his wallet
Ever hear of don't ask don't tell?
The way these regulations are written, you hafta be a LAWYER to understand them, and I AIN'T a LAWYER!!!
But my dad always told me "beaver" hunting was a year round thing.
I thought they were more "guidelines" than actual laws.
Hunting? nah i was just sighting my buddy's gun in
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of
North Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was
leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch
those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none
of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet
fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home..'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden.. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?,' says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH,' replied the warden!
'What fish?,' replied the redneck
I only have one rabbit. All those others are throwing the wake, so show some respect.
I swear that eight point had a knife
No, I swear, that hole is from a REALLY big broad head, not a slug!
It was coming straight at me I thought it was Rabid! (Fox squirrel)
I must have misread the sunrise/sunset chart I thought it said sunset was at 7:30pm on Nov. 30.
I swear the tag fell of the deer as I was dragging it out of the woods!
This came directly from the Game Warden: Apparently a guy shot a deer out of gun season with a gun and proceeded to load a xbow and shoot the deer that lies in the back of his truck. Well the Game Warden was randomly checking people as they came to check in deer at the check-in station and he was one of the lucky ones. The game warden said she tried to move the deer that had the xbow bolt still in it but it was stuck to the bed of the truck. This idiot shot through the deer into the bed of the truck!
It's not mine I swear! It's my cousins, I'm holding it for him!
He did it (pointing to the dog).
Well officer...It's only a violation if you read the regulation "literally" (used with air quotes).
"What the hell, how did that get there?"
Post a Comment (200 characters or less)
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of
North Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was
leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch
those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none
of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet
fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home..'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden.. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?,' says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH,' replied the warden!
'What fish?,' replied the redneck
......I was just helping the sheep over the fence!
I swear that eight point had a knife
That pile of corn was for birds and squirrels only--I had to shoot the deer to keep them from eating it up.
A game warden pulled into a farmyard in northern MN. He found a man dressing a bear that was hanging in a tree. After a period of brief questioning of the hunter, the officer noticed three bullet holes in the bear. One in the each palm and the third right between the eyes, the officer asked the man “So, why would you shoot a bear in the front paws and between the eyes”? The hunter replied “Well, when I lit him up with the spotlight he covered his eyes and shot him”!
Lady takes husbands row boat out into a quiet bay one sunny afternoon and kicks back to read a book. A little while later the game warden shows up and pulls along side the woman and asks to see the womans license. "Why I don't have one and I'm just reading a book." the woman replys.
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ticket you because you have fishing gear in the boat and I have to believe that is your intention." says the warden.
"If you ticket me, I'll sue for sexual assault." the woman responds.
"What?" asks a bewildered game warden.
"That's right. You have all the gear in your boat and I have to believe that is your intention." counters the woman.
"Isn't this a wonderful day to float around and enjoy a good book. Have a great afternoon."
no that whiskey's not for me I heard its a good deer attractant
I was trying to spotlight the corn to see how it was much it had grown and then my gun slipped out of its case and fired which coincidentally hit a deer right between it's eyes...faulty gun cases these days!
"Poaching!?! the Hell you say, I'm not poaching. I'm just an actor portraying a poacher on Discovery..."
"The deer took my gun and shot itself, im just rushing it to the vet!"
I swear Mr. Warden, I wasn't runnin' away from you cause I did somthin' wrong...you see years ago my wife run off with a Warden who looked a bit like yerself...I just thought you were trying to bringer her back to me.
It's not mine I swear! It's my cousins, I'm holding it for him!
I must have misread the sunrise/sunset chart I thought it said sunset was at 7:30pm on Nov. 30.
I swear the tag fell of the deer as I was dragging it out of the woods!
This came directly from the Game Warden: Apparently a guy shot a deer out of gun season with a gun and proceeded to load a xbow and shoot the deer that lies in the back of his truck. Well the Game Warden was randomly checking people as they came to check in deer at the check-in station and he was one of the lucky ones. The game warden said she tried to move the deer that had the xbow bolt still in it but it was stuck to the bed of the truck. This idiot shot through the deer into the bed of the truck!
But my dad always told me "beaver" hunting was a year round thing.
The way these regulations are written, you hafta be a LAWYER to understand them, and I AIN'T a LAWYER!!!
Ever hear of don't ask don't tell?
Are you telling me I have to buy one of those license thingys EVERY year?
While dragging out a deer in the dead of night, the 1st hunting buddy says: "I'm sure glad there are 6 of us to drag out this deer we just shot."
2nd hunting buddy says:" There are only 5 of us. Me, you, Fred, Bob, and Ted."
Game warden says "I'm the 6th one. Problem is, there shouldn't be anyone dragging this deer out tonight
Officer, i swear my gun accidentally went off when i was reaching for my beer.
no officer I wasn't running from you didn't you see that bear
I must have forgot about daylight savings? I thought it looked a little dark....
Seriously? We're really not allowed to use tracer rounds?
Honest! The night vision goggles are just so I can find the trail after sunset. I would NEVER think of using them to hunt with.
"My grandpa is old and sick and the only thing he can eat right now is squirrel."
A guy was throwing quarter sticks of dynamite into the fishing hole, the game warden pulls up and says "don't you know its illegal to dynamite fish, what have you got to say for yourself". The guy calmly lit another stick, tossed it to the game warden and said "You gonna talk or are you gonna to fish?
somewhat unrelated but a true story: my uncle, aunt, and little cousin were fishing with his my uncles parents in arkansas having only a texas licence. first fish he catches just to mess with his dad he yells to my cousin "hey patrich, look at daddys illegal bass!" meanwhile his dad is yelling back "shut up, what are you doing" and the sad part... my uncle is a cop
well you see officer we're coming up with a new sport its called shotfishing you just shoot those asian carp when they jump at ya with a shotgun I thought since we was using steel shot I'd be fine
"What the hell, how did that get there?"
He did it (pointing to the dog).
No, I swear, that hole is from a REALLY big broad head, not a slug!
I only have one rabbit. All those others are throwing the wake, so show some respect.
Hunting? nah i was just sighting my buddy's gun in
I thought they were more "guidelines" than actual laws.
I couldn't find my plug so I loaded a couple empties
What the heck do I need a plug for? I can count to 3!
I was spotlighting deer just for fun, but when I saw that 12 pointer limping I thought it was my moral duty to put him down.
But Sir- This is the way Benny Spies does it.
Bass Pro Shops could have at least given a rule book and warned me when i bought my rifle and all that corn from them. Besides officer I aint much into reading books.
Well.....we are members of the Sierra Club....
I swear the buck just jumped in the bed of my truck. Im just as shocked as you!
I hope I don't have too many birds in there---what is the limit on robins, anyhow?
But officer, I read on the internet it's legal to shoot deer over corn at night with a light in June so it must be true.
Not a legal species? Well my Grandfather taught me to identify species with the bird in your hand.
Well officer...It's only a violation if you read the regulation "literally" (used with air quotes).
It was coming straight at me I thought it was Rabid! (Fox squirrel)
But officer, I'm a conservation director.
I was checking for my plug and lost my spring... Call me ol' single shot
Those empty cans of Coors light are used as signal mirrors. You know in case of an emergency.
"Onistly Occifer, I ain't as think as you drunk as I am."
hey, pull my finger
Ooooooooh, I though ill-eagle was a sick bird.
"Game laws of the state of Alabama? You mean we ain't in South Carolina???"
I'm sorry warden but I think it was suicide...he even left a note. "I can't handle the ridicule any more..I thought I was a buck but everyone keeps making fun of my small rack."
"Am I being Punk'd?"
Brock Lesner said it was legal. Who do I make the check out too?
cross my heart....the second buck must have died from shock when the one next to it got hit(didn't say it wasn't a Powershock)...
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon Bubba carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked Bubba, "Where did you get that turkey?"
Bubba replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
Bubba looked down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
Bubba said, "I guess I'll just kiss his azz and let him go!"
While driving around South Dakota with my grandpa in September he would always say “Look there, that’s not a pheasant, that’s a sooner. The sooner you shoot em the better they taste!” We always got a good laugh! So I am sure it would work on a Conservation Officer.
I swear Mr. Warden Sir, I didn't know it was a swan. It was flying in a flock of snow geese, and even though I knew something looked odd about the bird being 3 times the size of any of the other birds, I just thought it was a snow goose on steroids!
A guy had one pheasant too many in his truck. Tooling along eating peanuts he is stopped by the game warden. Thinking quickly he stuffed a bird down inside his bibs. The bird turned out not to be dead and as the game warden questioned him, asked "Whats that sticking out of your fly? Thinking quickly the guy said, I went to restroom forgot to zip up I must be accidentally exposing myself! Well said the game warden you just accidentally ate a peanut off the seat!
the deer were shooting at me it was just self defence
I know the limit is 12", my husband told me that's 12"!!
warden-your poachen deer
me-no im not
wadern-then whats that buck doin on ur shoulders
me-AH!GET IT OFF!GET IT OFF!
It got hit by a car and i was putting it out of its misery.
oh no you got it all wrong, this gun is for protection, a buddy of mine got mugged by an eight point out here, same one thats in the bed of my truck, now if you'll excuse me i have to return his wallet
it was coming right at me!!!!
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