|
|
|
Welcome to Outdoor Life
Subscribe to Outdoor Life
and enter to win $5000
|
|
Just Joking!
Some of our favorite hunting and fishing jokes (okay some are admittedly lame). Hear any good ones? Submit your own (please keep them clean) and win free gear!
 A fisherman returned to shore with a giant tuna that was bigger and heavier than he was. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the tuna, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?" AdvertisementRelated PhotosSUBMIT YOUR PHOTOSADVERTISEMENT |
|
OutdoorLife.com is part of the Bonnier Outdoor Group Network
Copyright © 2009 Bonnier Corp. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.
Print
Email
Share
Photo Gallery Comments (49)
Submit your favorite outdoor-related jokes here (keep 'em clean please!) and you'll be entered for a chance to win some gear from the Outdoor Life gear closet.
This guy wanted to learn to hunt and went to his neighbor who was a hunter. His neighbor gave him all of these DVD's to watch, they cover everything from shooting to field dressing to cooking the deer. When deer season came, the guy asked his neighbor if he could go with him, the neighbor reluctantly said "yes."
The neighbor took the man to a spot and told him. "Don't shoot at anything that doesn't have antlers." and disappeared into the woods.
A little later the guy is sitting in his spot, freezing his butt off, when he hears something moving in the bushes. He gets real excited and shoots at the sound.
He runs to the bushes and finds that he has just shot his neighbor. He gets on his cell phone and calls for Air Evac. They come and take them both to the hospital.
The guy is pacing the halls when the Surgeon comes out to talk with him. "How's he going to be, Doc?" he asks.
"Well," said the doc pulling off his surgical mask. "He would have done a lot better if you hadn't have field dressed him before you called the Air Evac."
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
Joe and Bo were out deer hunting in the woods about 10 miles from their truck. All of a sudden, Joe collapses and Bo starts panicking. Bo tries to shake Joe and prod him to see if he is ok but he gets no response. Bo quickly pulls out his cell phone and is fortunate enough to have 1 bar on his phone. He calls 911 and starts screaming, "MY BUDDY IS DEAD, MY BUDDY IS DEAD, WHAT DO I DO???" The operator in a calm voice tells Bo to make sure that Joe is actually dead. Bo tells her to hold on. The operator hears the phone being put down and then a couple gun shots. He comes back on and in a scared voice, he asks the stunned operator, "OK, what do I do next?"
it helps if you read these out loud...
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no eye deer
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
still no eye deer
what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no johnson?
still no f'ing eye deer
Dont eat the yellow snow!!!
Elmer and Gus were dragging Elmer's dead deer back to his car when another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, nice deer you got there. Mind if I give you a tip? I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the other hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later Gus said to Elmer, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck,"
1st guy: Do you know why geese fly in a "V" pattern?
2nd guy: No, why?
1st guy: The "V" shape makes for less drag, less friction.
1st guy: Do you know why they fly behind each other?
2nd guy: No, why?
1st guy: They're drafting off each other the way NASCAR drivers do.
1st guy: Do you know why one side of the "V" is usually longer than the other?
2nd guy: No, why?
1st guy: There's more geese on that side!
Joe and Bo were fishing out in an ocean bay with no results. 4 hours, no fish. Finally, a boat with an old guy pulled alongside with his limit of every type of fish. Joe and Bo were astounded and asked how the man had gotten all the fish. The old man told them, "It's a Native American trick. Fill a bucket up with water where you are fishing. If it tastes salty, keep heading on the river. Finally, when the water isn't salty anymore, start fishing." Joe and Bo filled a bucket of water and Bo pronounced it salty. They headed 10 minutes up the river and Bo called the water salty once again. They stopped every 10 minutes going upstream but it was always salty. Finally, they started getting into a marshy area. Joe mentioned that they were running out of room in the channel. Bo spoke up, 'Yeah, and the water in the bucket is getting low too!"
A Bow Hunter goes out in the woods looking for a Bear. He finds a big one fishing by a creek. Unfortunately he lets an arrow fly just as the bear turns and it hits him in the butt. The bear turns back, spots the hunter and within two strides he is on top of him.
The bear looks the hunter in the eye and says,'Hey that stung & I really should eat you but it's your lucky day-Here's what I'm gonna do,I'll let you decide your fate- I can either rip you to shreds and let the crows eat you or, because its close to mating season you can let me have my way with you for a warm up.".
The hunter is in disbelief that he's negotiating with a bear but he knows what he has to do in order to live another day.
After the bear is finished- he picks up the hunter's bow, breaks it, and says, "Now don't come back in my woods!".
The hunter drags his sorry self home and doesn't tell a soul. (cont on next page)
The next morning he goes to his gun cabinet and grabs his rifle. He spends the afternoon in the woods tracking that bear with the idea of showing him whose boss. He finally came across fresh tracks and saw the bear eating in a blueberry patch. He put the crosshairs on him and pulled the trigger. A complete miss. He looked down to see what had happened to his gun and within a second the bear was on him and had him on the ground. "Roooaarrr!!!! wait?.. don't I know you?" the bear said. (cont on next page)
Y
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip. Three days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Three days later the three friends get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there enjoying an ice cold beer. The tent was set up, firewood gathered, ice chest full of beer, and fish cooking on the fire, almost ready to eat.
"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Two nights ago I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up
behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
"I pulled her hands off my face and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie, and did she look great! She then took my hand and I followed her to our bedroom like a little puppy. The room had two dozen lit candles and rose petals all over. Soft music was playing, and on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. Then, with a devilish little grin on her face, she said 'do whatever you want.' with that sweet southern drawl of hers."
"Well, Here I am!"
"Yeah you were that hunter from yesterday." The hunter didn't say anything. "Well you know the drill. What'll be?" the bear said. The hunter, reluctantly, knew what he had to. The bear bent his rifle, threw it down a cliff and said," Do me a favor just stay out of my woods."
The hunter went home that night ashamed again-The next morning he grabbbed his shotgun, a pistol, pepper spray and a hand gernade. (cont on next page)
He set out to, once and for all, teach that bear a lesson. He was a skilled hunter and again he found the bears' tracks and followed them for over three miles until they just stopped. He was confused- where did the bear go?
He looked around- looked behind him, and then just as he was looking up in a tree, the bear jumped down from it. Again, pinning the hunter to the ground.( cont on next page)
The bear shook his head in disgust and said, "You're really not out here hunting bear are you?".
My wife told me that if I went hunting one more time she would leave me - Dam I'm going to miss her!
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Montana on the opening day of dear season. They both spotted a large trophy class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.
The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"
The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, we were married for 42 years":]
Two buddies were always competing to be the best or have the best. The one buddy, Joe, bought a 12 foot boat and not to be out done the other buddy, Ted, bought a 16 foot boat. Joe bought a 1/2 ton four wheel drive pick-up truck, Ted buys a 3/4 ton four wheel drive pick-up truck. This competition went on for years. One day they are both out duck hunting. The ducks are coming in and they shoot a duck each. Joe brought his brand new retriever with him. He sends the dog out to retrieve the two ducks. The dog runs on top of the water and comes back with both ducks. Ted says nothing about Joe's new dog. They shoot a couple more ducks. Joe sends the dog out to get the ducks. Again the dog runs across the top of the water and brings the ducks back. They sit there in silence. Finally Joe says " Hey Ted, notice anything special about my new dog?" Ted replies " Yeah, your dog doesn't know how to swim."
Two down south good old boys were hunting in the woodsand they see a guy on a hanglider. One says to the other "Look at that big bird. If we brought that home we could feed ourselfs for weeks". So the second one shoots the guy on the hanglider and asks did i get it. The other one replys "no but you made it drop that guy it was carrying"
These two men were hunting over this food plot when a buck walked out. One hunter picked up his rifle but as he was aiming he saw a funeral precession driving down the road, so he did the respectable thing and put his rifle down and took a moment of silence. His buddy said "man that was the most honorable thing I have ever seen anybody do" The other hunter said "well it was the lest I could do, hell I was married to her for 20 years!"
one day a guy decides to take his wife hunting. They get in the stand. In about five minutes the hunter hears a sigh. And agian. After about an hour a deer comes through the woods. The deer is a fourteen pointer. The hunter thinks to himself, "your going on the wall". He's about to pull the trigger when he hears. "Ah, aint he cute" from his wife. He looks just like bambi. his wife asks you aint gonna shoot him are you? He dosent reply and sets up again when his wife yells run bambi run.
A game warden sees a man with a whole bucket of fish standing next to a landing. "I've got me a poacher" he thinks to himself. He walks down to the man at the landing and says "I see you have way too many fish over your limit!" "No sir!" the man exclaims "these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden exclaims "what the heck are you talking about?" "you see" says the man, "I take them down to the water everyday and put them into the lake and when I'm ready to go, I whistle and they all jump back into the bucket." The warden thinks about it and says "okay- I have to see this!". the man then dumps the bucket of fish into the water and after about ten minutes the warden says " so are you gonna call the fish back or what?" and to that the man replies "what fish?"
A game warden sees a guy "fishing" with dynamite out on a big lake one day. He already has a boat full of fish, but he continues blasting away. The game warden gets in his boat and heads toward the fisherman. As he pulls up along side he asks, "How is the fishing today?" The man replies, "Great!" The game warden asks if he knows this is illegal. The man quickly hands the game warden a lit stick of dynamite and asks, "Are you gonna fish, or just sit there?"
A newlywed couple arrives at a secluded resort on a lake. The tenant in a neighboring cabin can't help but notice that the man is almost constantly down at the lake fishing. After a few days of this go by the man goes up to the newly married fellow & asks him why he spends so much time fishing instead of spending time with his new bride. "Well" he replies "We can't have sex because she has gonorrhea" "Wow" says the neighbor, "that's too bad". "Well" he continues, "If you don't mind me asking, why in the hell would you marry a gal that has gonorrhea". "Well, says the fisherman, you see how much I like fishin; she's full of worms too!
Time to Kiss and Make Up:
The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party.
Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.
The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make up.
For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, along with their wives. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.
Dick Cheney will carry the gun, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives.
Sarah is such a good sport! She thinks of everything!
Minister visits Alaska:
A minister took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some
sightseeing.
He was cruising along the campground in the when there was a franticcommotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "Down with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the minister watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
The minister summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!".
"I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the minister drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was a minister," "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant!
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his
wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'
'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her care giver forever!'
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just messin' with you. She's dead.
What'd you catch?'
The man answered the door to two Alaskan State Troopers. “Sir we have some bad news, some good news and some great news. The bad news is that we found your missing wife, her car went off a cliff and she’s dead. The good news is that when we pulled her out of the ocean, ther was a 15 pound salmon tangled in her hair and she was covered with abalone and huge king crabs. The great news is that we’re pulling her out again next Tuesday.”
Three guys are sitting in a boat fishing. One guy says "You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to come out with you guys today! I had to mow and rake the lawn, wash the car, take the kids to the park and do the laundry before my wife would give me her approval!"
"That's nothing! I had to do all that AND promise to go visit her mother with her next weekend, paint the house and landscape the yard during my week of vacation next month!"
The third guy says "You should do what I do. I woke up at 4 am this mornig. Rolled over in bed, snuggled really close to my wife and whispered in her ear 'fishing or sex'. She told me "Wear a sweater, it's cold out there!"
John and Frank went to the cabin to hunt bear. Frank said, "I'm going to start the fire, make the beds, etc." John said "OK, I'll head out and do some scouting." As he is walking down the trail he crosses paths with a HUGE grizzly! Realizing, he forgot the ammo for his rifle, he starts to run towards the cabin. The bear is gaining on him slowly. As they near the cabin, he starts yelling to Frank to open the door. Frank opens the door just as the bear is about to catch John. John trips on the stairs and the bear runs right over him and into the cabin. John gets up, slams the cabin door and yells to Frank, "You skin that one, I'll go out and get another one!"
Man goes to the dentist. After check him out, the dentist say" Sorry to tell you this, but you'll need a root canal." The dentist grabs his Novocain, but the man refuses. "I've had worse pain." The dentist begrudgingly agrees and goes to work for 3 hours. After he is finished the man sets up and rubbing his cheek says "That's about the third worse pain I have ever had." "Third?!" says the dentist, "what was second?"
"Last deer season I was out in the woods and had to go to the bathroom really bad. So I walked deeper in and squatted down. Just about the time I was finished, a bear trap went off under me. Grabbed a hold of my man hood." "If that was the second, what was first?" replied the dentist. "When I stood up and took off running..... and met the end of that chain!"
Man calls the county highway department and tells them to move the deer crossing sign down the road from his house.
Highway works asks "why?"
Man replies too many deer are being hit down there and they need to move the sign to a safer place for the deer to cross the road.....
Whats the differrence between a lawyer and a catfish?
ones a slimey bottom dweller than lives on the dead and dieing, and the other.....is a fish.
I got a new rifle for my wife...best trade I ever made.
Q: Why did the bear fall out of the tree?
A: 'Cause it was dead!
Two friends are hikling along the Appalcaian trail when they hear branches breaking in the brush nearby, and a long, deep growl. One of the men sits down to change from his boots to sneakers.
His friend says "You can't outrun a bear."
The man replies "Don't need to outrun the bear, I just need to outrun you!"
Two men rent a rowboat to go fisihing on a lke, and are heaving a great day, catching a number of good fish.
One man says "We should really mark this spot so we can get to it next time." With that, he reaches down and put s a big "X" on the side of the boat.
His friend looks at him dumbfounded for a second and says "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"
Two hunters realaize they are lost. One recalls that the way to call for help is to fire 3 shots in the air, and wait where you are for help. He fires the shots and the men wait.
A few hours later, the man asks his friend "It has been several hours since you fired the shots. What do we do now?"
His friend replies. "We still wait. I can't fire any more shots, because I am out of arrows."
Three hunters were traveling west from a state east of Montana (didn't say where) to do some bear hunting... as they entered Montana on the Interstate, they encountered some road construction. Then they came to a sign that said "Bear Left" so they went home!
A 90-year-old man is having his annual physical, and the doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an 21 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment and says, "Well, let me tell you a story.
I know a guy who's an avid hunter, and he never misses a season. One day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. He enters the woods and suddenly a huge bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle.
The bear drops dead in front of him.
That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear.
Exactly!!
samCINDER BLOCK BUCK
Two deer hunters were walking down an old logging road scouting for the upcoming season when they came across a real deep hole. They go over and check out the hole and realize that they can't see the bottom. They drop a couple of rocks down into the hole, and they hear absolutely nothing.
One of the deer hunters said, "Man, that is a real deep hole!"
The hunters found an old cinder block, and they figured if they threw it into the hole they might hear it hit the bottom. It was a big old cinder block and very heavy. The hunters dropped the block into the hole and they listened very patiently.
All of a sudden they heard a noise, but it wasn't coming from the hole, it was behind them. They quickly look behind them only to see a huge racked monster buck bearing down on them. The buck had his head lowered, and moving so fast that his hooves may not have been touching the ground. This buck was flying, and moving so fast that the hunters began to panic.
The two hunters jumped out of the way just in time, and the monster buck leaps to his death in the bottomless hole. The two hunters were startled from the attack of the monster buck, and they decided to leave the area immediately, before they ended up at the bottom of the hole just like this buck. They were saddened by the loss of a good buck before the upcoming deer season, but they continued scouting.
They scouted until they discovered a farmer working a short distance from the hole. The hunters again brain storm together and figure that they would pump the farmer for some whitetail info. "Excuse us Sir, but have you seen any deer in the area?" the hunters asked. The farmer replies, "The only deer around here is one that I rescued years ago after it collided with an old pick up truck." The hunters then explain what happened at the hole and how they avoided sudden death from a rut raged monster buck. The hunters thought for a second and then one of them said, "Do you think that the buck at the hole was the one that you rescued years ago?"
The farmer said, "I don't think that was my pet buck, because my buck is real old and he suffers from arthritis. In fact he could never move that fast, because I keep him tied to an old cinder block."
thats sad! =( ^
|
|
Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them needed to use the bathroom. So he squated behind some bushes then a rattlesnake bit him on his rear end. His buddy then called 911 and told them the story and where they were at. They told him that he would have to suck the venom out. When he got back his buddy asked what they said. "They said you were gonna die" he replied.
Mike, a Californian, moves up to Montana and is going on his first hunting trip with his buddy Bob. After an hour or so, Bob spots an Indian running through the woods; he pulls his rifle to his shoulder, takes aim, and shoots. The Indian falls down dead..."What are you doing? You can't shoot an Indian!" cries Mike. "Of course you can" says Bob, "They're in season". An hour or so later Bob spots another Indian running through the trees...BOOM...the Indian goes down. "You are gonna get in so much trouble if you get caught", Mike says. "Nope, like I said, they're in season". After a successful hunting trip, Mike and Bob are heading back to the truck thinking about the cooler full of beer waiting for them. As the truck comes into view, Mike sees an Indian sitting in the bed of their truck drinking their beer...Mike pulls up his rifle, settles the cross hairs, and fires...dropping him instantly. "HEY, what do you think you're doing?" yells the Game Warden as he runs over. "Aren't they in season" asks Mike? "Well sure they're in season...But you can't bait them!!!"
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, you can get rid of him for a weekend.
i told my wife i would'nt trade her for a new set of snow tires, but after 18 years of marriage i'd get more riding time from the tires.
One day a women went to Cabela's looking to buy a new fishing pole for her nephew. She didn't know what to look for, but she tried anyway. After quite awhile she decided to ask one of the cashiers for help. So she found a register that was open and she brought a pole to the, man , just realizing that he was blind, to ask his opinion. "Sir what can you tell me about this fishing pole?" she asked. The man felt it over and a minute later he replied "Zebco 808 reel with a 6Ft medium weight rod, $20, a good combo for a starter!" In amazement the women said "Ok, I'll take it!" She then reached into her purse to pull out her credit card, and on accident she dropped it. When she bent down to pick it up she let out a fart and in embarrassment she thought "Ah he is blind how will he know that was me!" So the cashier rung up the order and said "$32 dollars please." "$32!" The women said, "You said it was only $20!" And with that the man calmly replied "Yes $20 for the pole, $10 for the duck call, and $2 for the catfish bait!"
Post a Comment (200 characters or less)
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip. Three days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Three days later the three friends get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there enjoying an ice cold beer. The tent was set up, firewood gathered, ice chest full of beer, and fish cooking on the fire, almost ready to eat.
"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Two nights ago I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up
behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
"I pulled her hands off my face and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie, and did she look great! She then took my hand and I followed her to our bedroom like a little puppy. The room had two dozen lit candles and rose petals all over. Soft music was playing, and on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. Then, with a devilish little grin on her face, she said 'do whatever you want.' with that sweet southern drawl of hers."
"Well, Here I am!"
The bear shook his head in disgust and said, "You're really not out here hunting bear are you?".
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
Joe and Bo were out deer hunting in the woods about 10 miles from their truck. All of a sudden, Joe collapses and Bo starts panicking. Bo tries to shake Joe and prod him to see if he is ok but he gets no response. Bo quickly pulls out his cell phone and is fortunate enough to have 1 bar on his phone. He calls 911 and starts screaming, "MY BUDDY IS DEAD, MY BUDDY IS DEAD, WHAT DO I DO???" The operator in a calm voice tells Bo to make sure that Joe is actually dead. Bo tells her to hold on. The operator hears the phone being put down and then a couple gun shots. He comes back on and in a scared voice, he asks the stunned operator, "OK, what do I do next?"
it helps if you read these out loud...
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no eye deer
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
still no eye deer
what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no johnson?
still no f'ing eye deer
A game warden sees a man with a whole bucket of fish standing next to a landing. "I've got me a poacher" he thinks to himself. He walks down to the man at the landing and says "I see you have way too many fish over your limit!" "No sir!" the man exclaims "these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden exclaims "what the heck are you talking about?" "you see" says the man, "I take them down to the water everyday and put them into the lake and when I'm ready to go, I whistle and they all jump back into the bucket." The warden thinks about it and says "okay- I have to see this!". the man then dumps the bucket of fish into the water and after about ten minutes the warden says " so are you gonna call the fish back or what?" and to that the man replies "what fish?"
Minister visits Alaska:
A minister took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some
sightseeing.
He was cruising along the campground in the when there was a franticcommotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "Down with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the minister watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
The minister summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!".
"I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the minister drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was a minister," "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?
Three guys are sitting in a boat fishing. One guy says "You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to come out with you guys today! I had to mow and rake the lawn, wash the car, take the kids to the park and do the laundry before my wife would give me her approval!"
"That's nothing! I had to do all that AND promise to go visit her mother with her next weekend, paint the house and landscape the yard during my week of vacation next month!"
The third guy says "You should do what I do. I woke up at 4 am this mornig. Rolled over in bed, snuggled really close to my wife and whispered in her ear 'fishing or sex'. She told me "Wear a sweater, it's cold out there!"
A 90-year-old man is having his annual physical, and the doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an 21 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment and says, "Well, let me tell you a story.
I know a guy who's an avid hunter, and he never misses a season. One day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. He enters the woods and suddenly a huge bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle.
The bear drops dead in front of him.
That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear.
Exactly!!
Elmer and Gus were dragging Elmer's dead deer back to his car when another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, nice deer you got there. Mind if I give you a tip? I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the other hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later Gus said to Elmer, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck,"
Joe and Bo were fishing out in an ocean bay with no results. 4 hours, no fish. Finally, a boat with an old guy pulled alongside with his limit of every type of fish. Joe and Bo were astounded and asked how the man had gotten all the fish. The old man told them, "It's a Native American trick. Fill a bucket up with water where you are fishing. If it tastes salty, keep heading on the river. Finally, when the water isn't salty anymore, start fishing." Joe and Bo filled a bucket of water and Bo pronounced it salty. They headed 10 minutes up the river and Bo called the water salty once again. They stopped every 10 minutes going upstream but it was always salty. Finally, they started getting into a marshy area. Joe mentioned that they were running out of room in the channel. Bo spoke up, 'Yeah, and the water in the bucket is getting low too!"
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Montana on the opening day of dear season. They both spotted a large trophy class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.
The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"
The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, we were married for 42 years":]
Two buddies were always competing to be the best or have the best. The one buddy, Joe, bought a 12 foot boat and not to be out done the other buddy, Ted, bought a 16 foot boat. Joe bought a 1/2 ton four wheel drive pick-up truck, Ted buys a 3/4 ton four wheel drive pick-up truck. This competition went on for years. One day they are both out duck hunting. The ducks are coming in and they shoot a duck each. Joe brought his brand new retriever with him. He sends the dog out to retrieve the two ducks. The dog runs on top of the water and comes back with both ducks. Ted says nothing about Joe's new dog. They shoot a couple more ducks. Joe sends the dog out to get the ducks. Again the dog runs across the top of the water and brings the ducks back. They sit there in silence. Finally Joe says " Hey Ted, notice anything special about my new dog?" Ted replies " Yeah, your dog doesn't know how to swim."
These two men were hunting over this food plot when a buck walked out. One hunter picked up his rifle but as he was aiming he saw a funeral precession driving down the road, so he did the respectable thing and put his rifle down and took a moment of silence. His buddy said "man that was the most honorable thing I have ever seen anybody do" The other hunter said "well it was the lest I could do, hell I was married to her for 20 years!"
one day a guy decides to take his wife hunting. They get in the stand. In about five minutes the hunter hears a sigh. And agian. After about an hour a deer comes through the woods. The deer is a fourteen pointer. The hunter thinks to himself, "your going on the wall". He's about to pull the trigger when he hears. "Ah, aint he cute" from his wife. He looks just like bambi. his wife asks you aint gonna shoot him are you? He dosent reply and sets up again when his wife yells run bambi run.
A game warden sees a guy "fishing" with dynamite out on a big lake one day. He already has a boat full of fish, but he continues blasting away. The game warden gets in his boat and heads toward the fisherman. As he pulls up along side he asks, "How is the fishing today?" The man replies, "Great!" The game warden asks if he knows this is illegal. The man quickly hands the game warden a lit stick of dynamite and asks, "Are you gonna fish, or just sit there?"
Man calls the county highway department and tells them to move the deer crossing sign down the road from his house.
Highway works asks "why?"
Man replies too many deer are being hit down there and they need to move the sign to a safer place for the deer to cross the road.....
samCINDER BLOCK BUCK
Two deer hunters were walking down an old logging road scouting for the upcoming season when they came across a real deep hole. They go over and check out the hole and realize that they can't see the bottom. They drop a couple of rocks down into the hole, and they hear absolutely nothing.
One of the deer hunters said, "Man, that is a real deep hole!"
The hunters found an old cinder block, and they figured if they threw it into the hole they might hear it hit the bottom. It was a big old cinder block and very heavy. The hunters dropped the block into the hole and they listened very patiently.
All of a sudden they heard a noise, but it wasn't coming from the hole, it was behind them. They quickly look behind them only to see a huge racked monster buck bearing down on them. The buck had his head lowered, and moving so fast that his hooves may not have been touching the ground. This buck was flying, and moving so fast that the hunters began to panic.
The two hunters jumped out of the way just in time, and the monster buck leaps to his death in the bottomless hole. The two hunters were startled from the attack of the monster buck, and they decided to leave the area immediately, before they ended up at the bottom of the hole just like this buck. They were saddened by the loss of a good buck before the upcoming deer season, but they continued scouting.
They scouted until they discovered a farmer working a short distance from the hole. The hunters again brain storm together and figure that they would pump the farmer for some whitetail info. "Excuse us Sir, but have you seen any deer in the area?" the hunters asked. The farmer replies, "The only deer around here is one that I rescued years ago after it collided with an old pick up truck." The hunters then explain what happened at the hole and how they avoided sudden death from a rut raged monster buck. The hunters thought for a second and then one of them said, "Do you think that the buck at the hole was the one that you rescued years ago?"
The farmer said, "I don't think that was my pet buck, because my buck is real old and he suffers from arthritis. In fact he could never move that fast, because I keep him tied to an old cinder block."
Submit your favorite outdoor-related jokes here (keep 'em clean please!) and you'll be entered for a chance to win some gear from the Outdoor Life gear closet.
This guy wanted to learn to hunt and went to his neighbor who was a hunter. His neighbor gave him all of these DVD's to watch, they cover everything from shooting to field dressing to cooking the deer. When deer season came, the guy asked his neighbor if he could go with him, the neighbor reluctantly said "yes."
The neighbor took the man to a spot and told him. "Don't shoot at anything that doesn't have antlers." and disappeared into the woods.
A little later the guy is sitting in his spot, freezing his butt off, when he hears something moving in the bushes. He gets real excited and shoots at the sound.
He runs to the bushes and finds that he has just shot his neighbor. He gets on his cell phone and calls for Air Evac. They come and take them both to the hospital.
The guy is pacing the halls when the Surgeon comes out to talk with him. "How's he going to be, Doc?" he asks.
"Well," said the doc pulling off his surgical mask. "He would have done a lot better if you hadn't have field dressed him before you called the Air Evac."
A Bow Hunter goes out in the woods looking for a Bear. He finds a big one fishing by a creek. Unfortunately he lets an arrow fly just as the bear turns and it hits him in the butt. The bear turns back, spots the hunter and within two strides he is on top of him.
The bear looks the hunter in the eye and says,'Hey that stung & I really should eat you but it's your lucky day-Here's what I'm gonna do,I'll let you decide your fate- I can either rip you to shreds and let the crows eat you or, because its close to mating season you can let me have my way with you for a warm up.".
The hunter is in disbelief that he's negotiating with a bear but he knows what he has to do in order to live another day.
After the bear is finished- he picks up the hunter's bow, breaks it, and says, "Now don't come back in my woods!".
The hunter drags his sorry self home and doesn't tell a soul. (cont on next page)
The next morning he goes to his gun cabinet and grabs his rifle. He spends the afternoon in the woods tracking that bear with the idea of showing him whose boss. He finally came across fresh tracks and saw the bear eating in a blueberry patch. He put the crosshairs on him and pulled the trigger. A complete miss. He looked down to see what had happened to his gun and within a second the bear was on him and had him on the ground. "Roooaarrr!!!! wait?.. don't I know you?" the bear said. (cont on next page)
"Yeah you were that hunter from yesterday." The hunter didn't say anything. "Well you know the drill. What'll be?" the bear said. The hunter, reluctantly, knew what he had to. The bear bent his rifle, threw it down a cliff and said," Do me a favor just stay out of my woods."
The hunter went home that night ashamed again-The next morning he grabbbed his shotgun, a pistol, pepper spray and a hand gernade. (cont on next page)
He set out to, once and for all, teach that bear a lesson. He was a skilled hunter and again he found the bears' tracks and followed them for over three miles until they just stopped. He was confused- where did the bear go?
He looked around- looked behind him, and then just as he was looking up in a tree, the bear jumped down from it. Again, pinning the hunter to the ground.( cont on next page)
Two down south good old boys were hunting in the woodsand they see a guy on a hanglider. One says to the other "Look at that big bird. If we brought that home we could feed ourselfs for weeks". So the second one shoots the guy on the hanglider and asks did i get it. The other one replys "no but you made it drop that guy it was carrying"
Time to Kiss and Make Up:
The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party.
Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.
The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make up.
For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, along with their wives. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.
Dick Cheney will carry the gun, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives.
Sarah is such a good sport! She thinks of everything!
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant!
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his
wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'
'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her care giver forever!'
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just messin' with you. She's dead.
What'd you catch?'
Whats the differrence between a lawyer and a catfish?
ones a slimey bottom dweller than lives on the dead and dieing, and the other.....is a fish.
I got a new rifle for my wife...best trade I ever made.
Two friends are hikling along the Appalcaian trail when they hear branches breaking in the brush nearby, and a long, deep growl. One of the men sits down to change from his boots to sneakers.
His friend says "You can't outrun a bear."
The man replies "Don't need to outrun the bear, I just need to outrun you!"
Two men rent a rowboat to go fisihing on a lke, and are heaving a great day, catching a number of good fish.
One man says "We should really mark this spot so we can get to it next time." With that, he reaches down and put s a big "X" on the side of the boat.
His friend looks at him dumbfounded for a second and says "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"
Two hunters realaize they are lost. One recalls that the way to call for help is to fire 3 shots in the air, and wait where you are for help. He fires the shots and the men wait.
A few hours later, the man asks his friend "It has been several hours since you fired the shots. What do we do now?"
His friend replies. "We still wait. I can't fire any more shots, because I am out of arrows."
Three hunters were traveling west from a state east of Montana (didn't say where) to do some bear hunting... as they entered Montana on the Interstate, they encountered some road construction. Then they came to a sign that said "Bear Left" so they went home!
thats sad! =( ^
|
|
Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them needed to use the bathroom. So he squated behind some bushes then a rattlesnake bit him on his rear end. His buddy then called 911 and told them the story and where they were at. They told him that he would have to suck the venom out. When he got back his buddy asked what they said. "They said you were gonna die" he replied.
Dont eat the yellow snow!!!
1st guy: Do you know why geese fly in a "V" pattern?
2nd guy: No, why?
1st guy: The "V" shape makes for less drag, less friction.
1st guy: Do you know why they fly behind each other?
2nd guy: No, why?
1st guy: They're drafting off each other the way NASCAR drivers do.
1st guy: Do you know why one side of the "V" is usually longer than the other?
2nd guy: No, why?
1st guy: There's more geese on that side!
Y
My wife told me that if I went hunting one more time she would leave me - Dam I'm going to miss her!
The man answered the door to two Alaskan State Troopers. “Sir we have some bad news, some good news and some great news. The bad news is that we found your missing wife, her car went off a cliff and she’s dead. The good news is that when we pulled her out of the ocean, ther was a 15 pound salmon tangled in her hair and she was covered with abalone and huge king crabs. The great news is that we’re pulling her out again next Tuesday.”
"Last deer season I was out in the woods and had to go to the bathroom really bad. So I walked deeper in and squatted down. Just about the time I was finished, a bear trap went off under me. Grabbed a hold of my man hood." "If that was the second, what was first?" replied the dentist. "When I stood up and took off running..... and met the end of that chain!"
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, you can get rid of him for a weekend.
i told my wife i would'nt trade her for a new set of snow tires, but after 18 years of marriage i'd get more riding time from the tires.
One day a women went to Cabela's looking to buy a new fishing pole for her nephew. She didn't know what to look for, but she tried anyway. After quite awhile she decided to ask one of the cashiers for help. So she found a register that was open and she brought a pole to the, man , just realizing that he was blind, to ask his opinion. "Sir what can you tell me about this fishing pole?" she asked. The man felt it over and a minute later he replied "Zebco 808 reel with a 6Ft medium weight rod, $20, a good combo for a starter!" In amazement the women said "Ok, I'll take it!" She then reached into her purse to pull out her credit card, and on accident she dropped it. When she bent down to pick it up she let out a fart and in embarrassment she thought "Ah he is blind how will he know that was me!" So the cashier rung up the order and said "$32 dollars please." "$32!" The women said, "You said it was only $20!" And with that the man calmly replied "Yes $20 for the pole, $10 for the duck call, and $2 for the catfish bait!"
John and Frank went to the cabin to hunt bear. Frank said, "I'm going to start the fire, make the beds, etc." John said "OK, I'll head out and do some scouting." As he is walking down the trail he crosses paths with a HUGE grizzly! Realizing, he forgot the ammo for his rifle, he starts to run towards the cabin. The bear is gaining on him slowly. As they near the cabin, he starts yelling to Frank to open the door. Frank opens the door just as the bear is about to catch John. John trips on the stairs and the bear runs right over him and into the cabin. John gets up, slams the cabin door and yells to Frank, "You skin that one, I'll go out and get another one!"
Man goes to the dentist. After check him out, the dentist say" Sorry to tell you this, but you'll need a root canal." The dentist grabs his Novocain, but the man refuses. "I've had worse pain." The dentist begrudgingly agrees and goes to work for 3 hours. After he is finished the man sets up and rubbing his cheek says "That's about the third worse pain I have ever had." "Third?!" says the dentist, "what was second?"
Q: Why did the bear fall out of the tree?
A: 'Cause it was dead!
Mike, a Californian, moves up to Montana and is going on his first hunting trip with his buddy Bob. After an hour or so, Bob spots an Indian running through the woods; he pulls his rifle to his shoulder, takes aim, and shoots. The Indian falls down dead..."What are you doing? You can't shoot an Indian!" cries Mike. "Of course you can" says Bob, "They're in season". An hour or so later Bob spots another Indian running through the trees...BOOM...the Indian goes down. "You are gonna get in so much trouble if you get caught", Mike says. "Nope, like I said, they're in season". After a successful hunting trip, Mike and Bob are heading back to the truck thinking about the cooler full of beer waiting for them. As the truck comes into view, Mike sees an Indian sitting in the bed of their truck drinking their beer...Mike pulls up his rifle, settles the cross hairs, and fires...dropping him instantly. "HEY, what do you think you're doing?" yells the Game Warden as he runs over. "Aren't they in season" asks Mike? "Well sure they're in season...But you can't bait them!!!"
A newlywed couple arrives at a secluded resort on a lake. The tenant in a neighboring cabin can't help but notice that the man is almost constantly down at the lake fishing. After a few days of this go by the man goes up to the newly married fellow & asks him why he spends so much time fishing instead of spending time with his new bride. "Well" he replies "We can't have sex because she has gonorrhea" "Wow" says the neighbor, "that's too bad". "Well" he continues, "If you don't mind me asking, why in the hell would you marry a gal that has gonorrhea". "Well, says the fisherman, you see how much I like fishin; she's full of worms too!
Post a Comment (200 characters or less)