Gayne Watches Whale Wars to See Who is Watching Whale Wars

"Hey man. The Japanese are gonna slice through them hippie's boat tonight on Whale Wars."

Yes. My friends are borderline illiterate. But they know entertainment, which is why one of them called to give me the head's up on the nautical destruction that the good folks at Animal Planet were promising to broadcast last week. Interested to say the least, I set down with the trifecta of my culinary world - chips, salsa, and beer - not only to watch the mayhem unfold but to see who else watches this show. This is easily determined by watching the commercials. Millions of dollars are spent researching who watches what in order to match consumers with viewers. So by watching the ads, I should be able to see who is the target audience for the love fest that is Whale Wars - and what they might be up to.

Disclaimer: I believe the Japanese are killing whales just to eat them - plain and simple. I don't buy their "scientific research" excuse. Still, I in no way believe this gives the anti-whalers the right to harass the Japanese fleet.

Bottom line: I don't condone either side of this "war."

The Commercials:

Progressive Auto Insurance: I guess that regular viewers are either uninsured, looking into switching insurance companies, or really into plump red headed gals that dress in all white.

Liberty Insurance: Regular viewers are either diabetic and looking for a better way to get their supplies or really into very overweight mustached senior citizens such as Wilford Brimley.

Capri Sun: Regular viewers like drinking Kool-Aid out of a pouch.

Hyundai Cars: Regular viewers like small foreign cars.

Twizzlers Candy: Regular viewers like sucking down red licorice before ordering their diabetic supplies from Liberty Insurance.

Pitt Boss: Regular viewers like watching other animal planet shows that feature a gang of "little people" with pissy attitudes rescuing, kidnapping, and stealing pit bulls.

Jell-O Pudding: After wolfing a package of Twizzlers, regular viewers enjoy sucking down Jell-O brand desserts. Thank God for Liberty Mutual.

Miller Lite: This one didn't seem to fit with the others but then maybe the good folks at Miller Brewing knew I'd be watching.

In Review: The average Whale War viewer, despite having diabetes, has a major sugar fetish, likes small foreign cars that they get insured by portly women, enjoy watching "little people" harass dog owners much like they enjoy watching vegans harass whalers, and have good taste in Lite beer.