One of the most inhospitable areas on the planet just got worse.
Deep in the Siberian taiga, a boreal forest just below the Arctic Circle where the temperature ranges from 70 to 65 below zero and the human life expectancy is under 50 years of age, a war is brewing. A war unlike any other. A war between bears and yetis.
According Igor Burtsev, the director of the International Center for Hominology, claims that hot weather and forest fires in the upper mountains have pushed the Altai yetis into the forests where they are known by the locals as “wood goblins.” Burtsev said, “Folk beliefs say that the wood goblin is the master of the woods. All animals, even bears, submit to him. The wood goblin has a strong hypnotic power, thus he is not afraid of any animal.”
Forest evidence of the yetis can be found in footprints, hairs, and local sightings. The yetis are also fairly handy at construction. Burtsev continues, “They make strange pyramidal constructions of trunks and branches in the wood – sometimes 3 or 4 meters, sometimes only 30 cm high. Sometimes they bend huge trees and twist their trunks like wheels. A human being is just not strong enough for that, and there seems to be no need for bears to do this. At first, we thought that yetis do this to make shelters, but then we came to the conclusion that this is a sort of landmark for them. Or, maybe, this is a way for a yeti to say something to its congeners.”
All this activity disturbs the local bear population. Additionally the competition for food is so fierce – and favored toward the stronger and more intelligent yetis – that bears are moving into villages in search of anything to eat. Bears that find a steady supply of food near human occupation will most likely remain in that area instead of hibernating. This scenario doesn’t bode well for bears or humans.
I’m guessing this ongoing war between yetis and bears is the real reason Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has failed to contact me about going hunting with him. I hope he’s been busy trying to find a diplomatic solution to the problem and not come under wood goblin yeti hypnotic control. That wouldn’t be good for anyone.
What do you think OL readers? Are there yetis in Siberia? Do they have special powers? Are they a fair game animal? Would you order a yeti-bear throw down on pay per view? Has Igor been out in the woods too long?
Oh, hey Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. I’ve been waiting to hear from you.
Gayne, the yetis are innocent of all charges.
The bears are the real instigators in this matter.
You look kind’a funny there Vlad. Your eyes are real blank looking … Oh my God! Are you under yeti mind control?
Yetis are good people Gayne. Come join us in the forest in our battle against the bears.
Yes, Vlad. You are right. The bears are jerks. I will join you in the forest. I live only to serve the yetis.