Gayne Goes SUV Shopping

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With his chauffer Trixie refusing to no longer drive his 1997 203,000 mile racked Ford Explorer 4×4, Gayne looks for a new SUV to take afield. NOTE: Gayne doesn’t have a chauffeur and that girl’s name isn’t not Trixie
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My buddy Will drove an old 1979 Scout II similar to this one in high school. His had a lot more rust, bondo, and holes. I always liked that truck, especially on the days when he’d give Kella a ride after swim team practice. I’d sit in the back next to Kella’s long, tan muscular legs as she rubbed them down with baby oil. “The chlorine makes my skin so dry,” she’d purr. “No really. They’re just so dry. Feel ’em. Rub your strong hands…” Sorry! Forgot what magazine I was writing for. Too bad they don’t make Scouts anymore.
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I remember commenting to Kella about how much I liked the International Mick Dundee drove in Crocodile Dundee (pictured) when we saw the movie together. She leaned toward me and whispered, “I don’t care about trucks. Let’s talk about my bronzed legs. They’re 46 inches long from hip to…” Sorry! Did it again. I’m not sure if that old truck would even be legal on American roads.
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The Lamborghini LM002 “Rambo Lambo” was one of the best SUVs ever made but the company ceased vehicle production in 1993. During the vehicle’s run it found favor among such wealthy notables as Tina Turner and Uday Hussein. Even today, used ones fetch upwards of $100,000; just a tad out of my Outdoor Life pay scale.
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The original Hummer H1 was larger than my first apartment, could run through a brick wall – albeit, a poorly constructed brick wall – and easily tackle a 60 percent grade. Too bad the interior was as confining as my first apartment’s bathroom. Another negative was the gas mileage. I think it got about 4 miles to the gallon. More, if you coast down hills and don’t run the AC. Think I’ll pass.
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The International XT weighs more than two Hummer H1s, can tow up to 20 tons, and has room for 4 adults. On the downside it costs around $100,000 new, International quit making them in 2008, and Ashton Kutcher has been photographed driving one. Another pass.
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The Conquest Knight XV has a 63-gallon gas tank, can run on Flex Fuel, is bulletproof, and costs only … my God! Is that right?! $489,000! Hell, for that amount of money you could buy a dozen human kidneys and maybe a liver or two on the black market. I’m going to have to pass for financial reasons. Man, I’m poor.
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The Russian manufactured Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition SUV will run you around $1.5 million. That’s actually a pretty good price considering it comes standard with gold-plated bullet proof windows, white gold gauges, and 22″ bullet proof rims. I won’t buy one though because the whale penis leather interior is no longer an option. Seriously. Look it up. It used to be offered with a whale penis leather interior. But thanks to Pam Anderson and a bunch of other animal loving whack jobs that fail to see the beauty of a whale penis leather interior, it’s no longer available. I wonder what kind of whale penis they used. Sperm whale maybe?
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What does Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai have to do with Gayne’s looking for a new SUV? Nothing. Nothing at all.
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California-based ICON takes old Toyota FJs and not only rebuilds them but updates them with bigger motors, alloy wheels, leather bucket seats, reinforced bumpers, and a whole lot of other “stuff” only a true gearhead would understand. But all this rebuilding is costly. The standard package is priced around $100,000. Another pass for financial reasons.
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ICON also completely rebuilds Jeep CJs. For about a hundred grand. Yet another financial pass.
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The Rally Fighter is more desert racecar than hunting SUV, but I like the looks of it. I also like that it’s manufactured by Local Motors and the person that buys it. That’s right, purchasers assist in the making of the vehicle over a period of a few weekends. This keeps the cost to about $50 K. Let me think though. Do I have an extra 50 K lying around? Nope. I spent it all on Kella a long time ago. Spent it on her and those long tan legs, so taunt, muscular…Sorry. I ventured off topic again.
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The Ford F650 is a pretty nice vehicle. It’s more truck than SUV but that doesn’t bother me. I like the fact that it’s the size of a condo. Officially I think it will only accommodate 6 passengers but the one I saw at the Dallas Safari Show years back would easily hold a small Guatemalan village.
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Maybe I should get a Jeep. They were the first off road vehicle after all. Actress Catherine Bach’s character Daisy Duke drove a white Jeep CJ-7 Golden Eagle in the 80s TV series The Dukes of Hazzard. Today Catherine Bach is 56 years old and old enough to be your grandmother so quit looking at her like that you perve! I don’t know where the Jeep is.
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Jessica Simpson also drove a Jeep when she took over the role of Daisy Duke in the 2005 movie version of The Dukes of Hazzard. I don’t know where that Jeep is either.
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The Toyota Mega Cruiser was that company’s answer to the U.S. manufactured Hummer H1. The Mega Cruiser line ran from 1995 – 2005 but never made it to America. Too bad. I would have considered getting one of these.
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Truth be told this pink Barbie Jeep is actually more my style. It affordable and electric! And as you can tell from the photo, a real hit with the chicks. What do you think Outdoor Life readers? What vehicle should I consider getting? Comment below.