Gayne Dreams of Ivory

Before all the pain killers have time to wear off, I have time to dream about Ivory. The ivory in my mouth, that I own, that I've taken in the wild, and that I hope to take someday.
Ninety-nine percent of all humans have 32 adult teeth. Up until last week I was one of that 1% of humans that had more. I had 33 (upper right on photo). Why evolution chose to give me an extra, useless tooth instead of a little something extra elsewhere is all part of nature's cruel joke.
I woke up after surgery with my teeth in my hand and a boot print on my shoulder from where the dentist stood to get leverage to do his dirty work.
My Colt .45 Bluntline Special with a 12 inch barrel has elephant ivory grips. Prior to the ban on ivory issued in 1989 many pistol grips, pool balls, and piano keys were made from elephant ivory. This style of gun was also known as a "hog leg," meaning it was so long it could be used as a leg for a hog. No it can't. Trust me. A certain three-legged pig and I know this as a fact.
The biggest ivory I've ever collected came from this warthog I popped in South Africa.
Javelina have pretty impressive ivory. Like boar, their ivory tusks are self-sharpening. The simple act of them opening and closing their mouth sharpens their tusks. My teeth don't do that.
I have a few random boar teeth hanging in my safari tent office. I don't remember why I put them there. Maybe to ward off neighborhood kids or something.
I made this anklet of squirrel ivory for my wife. Needless to say she doesn't wear it very often. Ok, never. Ok, she thought me making it was sick. Real sick. I like it though.
What does Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai have to do with ivory? Nothing. Nothing at all.
My friend Greg Rodriguez of Global Adventure Outfitters took this massive ivory in Botswana. I say Greg's my friend, but he's not. Why? Because he gets to hunt elephants in Botswana and I don't is why.
My buddy Mark Buchanan of Big Bore Productions took this massive hippo in … hell, I don't care. I'm jealous I didn't get to go. Anyway, hippos have a ton of ivory, second only to elephants.
I also got this boar ivory necklace in Papua New Guinea. The black stuff holding it together at the top is road tar. The natives take chunks of it from the road and melt it down to use as an adhesive. And they wonder why the roads there don't last.
Of course the best ivory necklace in the world is made from my ivory. Cool, huh? Yeah, my wife thinks I need mental help too.