Gayne's Thanksgiving

The only eyewitness account of the first Thanksgiving comes from a letter written in 1621 by colonist Edward Winslow. Using this as a starting point, historians devised what they believe was served at the first Thanksgiving. My menu was based on that list.
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NOTE:** I couldn't find a picture of Edward Winslow so I posted a picture of his distant nephew Carl Winslow from the popular sitcom Family Matters.
Pumpkin and squash
Maybe throwing my kid's Jack-O-Lantern in the freezer for a month in order to save money for this gallery wasn't such a good idea. My pumpkin was freezer burned and tasted like smoke and candle wax. My kids didn't carve up a squash for Halloween so I didn't try any.
Eel
Looked like a snake, tasted like snot.
Mussels and oysters
The snot continues.
Parsnips and turnips
Great. I went from slimy snot to terrible gas.
Collards
Hey kids, do you want to try eating your lawn? Sure you do. Try this Southern staple you'll never look at your St. Augustine again.
Onions
You know what kind of onions they had in 1621? Nasty. The sweet onion hadn't been developed yet and I'm pretty sure the colonist didn't have the purple variety. They probably ate wild onions which, after eating a serving of collards, makes my culinary tour through my yard complete.
Fish
My wife said the colonists of 1621 probably didn't fry their fish in peanut oil or down a plate of it with a six pack of Miller Lite. History's a matter of interpretation. Mine - not my wife's. Especially when beer's involved.
Corn
"This corn, this corn is special." Ned Beatty, Deliverance.
Lobster
Now you're talking. It's about time the colonists ate something worthwhile.
AishwaryaRai. And what does Bollywood actress AishwaryaRai have to do with my 1621 Thanksgiving? Nothing. Nothing at all.
Spinach
Insert obligatory Popeye joke here. Extra points if you include Olive or Whimpy.
Dried Beans
I'm not exactly sure how the colonist ate them but crunching dried beans isn't nearly as tasty as you might think. I lost a filling trying to eat mine.
ashwi
Dried blueberries
Given most of the nasty crap the colonists ate, I would have made wine out of the blueberries to drown my sorrows.
Nuts
I'm not sure what varieties of nuts the colonists had but I'm pretty sure they didn't have pistachios. Why? Because they grow in nice, warm climates - places the always-ready-to-be-martyred Pilgrims avoided.
Grapes
Again, I would have made wine.
Wildfowl
Given the choice of duck or eel; yeah, I'm going with the duck.
Turkey
Turkey probably wasn't eaten at the first Thanksgiving. But then neither was Miller Lite and I've had plenty of that during this little experiment. I think I'll go back for more lobster instead of hitting the bird.
Carl Winslow and I wish you and yours a very happy Thanksgiving!
Now go eat some real 21st century processed food!

Outdoor Life correspondent Gayne Young sits down to a Thanksgiving feast as it was in 1621.