The Trip That Never Was

Last year my good friend Mark Buchanan invited me to hunt with him in Cameroon. Unfortunately I couldn't make the trip and had to decline. In true jerk-wad friend fashion though, Mark sent me pictures of everything I missed. Yes, I hate him.
Flying into basecamp Mark was filled with an "overwhelming sorrow" that I wasn't with him.
"It looks like Eden," Mark thought to himself. "But what is Eden without Gayne?" Deep Mark. Deep. But creepy. Deep but creepy.
A logging road cuts through the unexplored wilds of Cameroon – or so I'm told.
"Don't come to hunt here without Gayne!" the angry villager roared.
Guav Johnson on the left with Mark Buchanan and what should have been my forest sitatunga.
Had I been on this trip, would that truck have gotten stuck? No, of course not. With my luck it would have blown up.
"Where is Gayne?" the sweet little local girl inquired. "He bailed on me. Didn't come," Mark replied. "Go from this place!" the girls screamed. "You are not welcome without Gayne."
This lizard is big. And also still very much alive as Mark ran in fear at the sight of it.
Guav Johnson (left), cameraman T.J. Shimunek, and Mark Buchanan with his bay duiker.
Am I jealous that Mark got to see gorillas in the wild? I was until…
…the gorilla decided he didn't like being on film, flew down the tree, and charged the hunting group.
What does Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai have to do with Gayne not hunting in Cameroon? Nothing. Nothing at all.
Bread molds quickly in the tropical forest.
But snails don't, which is why the Pygmy trackers ate them for lunch. Mark swears he didn't provide this guy with his shirt.
The outfitter's swimming pool leaves a lot to be desired.
T.J. is forced to strip after an army of ants invades his pants … what? I believe him.
The Gabon viper is considered to be one of the most deadly snakes in the world. This one's not that big as Mark is only 4 feet 9 inches tall.
This dwarf forest buffalo is very big. Mine would have been bigger.
The gang with Mark's blue duiker
This is one of the is largest Peters's duikers ever taken. Still, I'm not sure why that tracker on the right is looking at him like that.
That the Pygmies eat raw fresh-caught fish makes them men. Their wearing Jelly sandals, not so much.
This destruction was caused by forest elephants and it's also one of the reasons I won't miss going to Cameroon with Mark in 2012. To see Mark in action on other hunts visit