“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”
The day I’ve feared since the first time I saw The Planet of the Apes late one Saturday night on channel 39 at age 11 is almost upon us. The day when apes will become the dominant species on the planet and humans like you and me will be forced to wear filthy loin cloths, live in cages, and face the threat of scientific experimentation is coming. Fortunately, Afghanistan will fall to the monkeys before North America does. That is if everything goes as planned. And that’s a big if considering we’re talking about “damned dirty apes” raising arms in a jihad against the West.
According to China’s The People’s Daily newspaper, the Taliban in Afghanistan is “training monkeys to use weapons to attack American troops.” The monkeys in question are macaques and baboons and the Taliban is hoping that after a little practice they will turn out to be pretty good snipers, apt at using machine guns, AK-47s, and even mortars. Sources say that the training is taking place in the Waziristan tribal region near the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan.
This is not the first time the attempt to train monkeys to do more than smoke cigarettes in front of oxygen tank toting seniors in Vegas or throw feces at school children at the zoo has been attempted. One of the websites covering this Taliban monkey sniper program, the Pakistan Defense Forum, claims that there was a monkey soldier program instituted by the CIA during the Vietnam War. As I’ve never met any Vietnamese that said that they were shot at by American Service monkeys, I’m guessing the program failed. I’m hoping the Taliban’s version also fails. Imagine the letter some poor family could get if the program turns success: “Dear Mr. and Mrs. America, it is with deep regret that I inform you that your son was shot and killed in combat by a macaque.” I don’t know of a parent alive that could endure that sort of tragedy.
What do you think Outdoor Life readers? Is this the beginning of the end for mankind? Will our simian cousins take over? After all, it’s not that far a jump from learning to shoot a gun to constructing an atom bomb. Think about it.
And we better hear from The Captain on this one. For all we know he’s fighting monkeys over there right now.